Friendship.

And being a friend

Who is a friend even? To many people, being a friend means different things. And I saw this post somewhere that you shouldn't call everyone your friend. And that some people are just your acquaintances, classmates, colleagues and neighbours even.

I have always thought of friends as the people I can lean on, I can ask for help, I can tell them what is on my mind without feeling like whatever I said was unimportant and I just know that they are my people and are rooting for me and I am also rooting for them.

But in my friendships, I see that I am not always their person in the way I want to be (as in they don't come to me with what they are going through, well at least I am not the first person they come to). Inasmuch as that is perfectly fine, it sometimes makes me feel like I am not doing enough. ( But with Jesus, I am enough. Can I get an amen? ). And then it makes me think that I do not have that person I can call at 2 am to tell them what is keeping me awake and making me overthink. Maybe that is also due to the fact that I don't really want to feel like I am bothering people.

I have also never experienced having a best friend. All the people I could have called best friends already have their best friends so it was a bit pointless. I have always wanted to have a special person that I could call a best friend and they would know everything about me and I would feel like I can share everything with them. In primary school, some of my classmates had best friends and they sometimes came to school with matching hairstyles. They did stuff together and I wanted to be part and be someone's best friend as well. I almost became someone's best friend but they then went on to have other people in their trio. I never thought much of it at the time but now, it is like why was it not me or did I read too much meaning into it? Like how do I even know?

Most of the times, friendships develop because of proximity and when that proximity is removed, the friendship either becomes stronger or runs its course. Being around each other all the time makes it easier to share information. But when you're no longer close, it is sometimes hard. Because they would have already seen from your facial expression and body language that something was wrong with you if they had seen you in person, but if you're hidden behind a screen and just texting, they may not see that you're not yourself. It takes a lot of intentionality, vulnerability and honesty for a friendship to be maintained when you are no longer close together.

I just want a friendship where we're both happy to be in this relationship. We all love each other and are willing to put each other first. I don't want it to be that it is one person reaching out always. Also we need to have healthy conversations, conversations that build each other up.

I am grateful for the good friends I have, the ones I don't have to think about whether we're friends or not. These people have taught me valuable lessons and helped me grow as a person as well. Some of them have become big sisters to me that I go to for advice even. I love you all.

Now I know that, I need to be a better friend; a reliable, loyal and kind friend. I pray for strength from God to be a more intentional, present friend. Even if they don't reciprocate, I just have to show them the love I do have for them. I also need to communicate more, share things and not just give surface level answers because that is the only way we could get closer.